Humor for Groucho Marxists

[Humanity] has unquestionably one really effective weapon--laughter. Power, money, persuasion, supplication, persecution--these can lift at a colossal humbug--push it a little--weaken it a little, century by century; but only laughter can blow it to rags and atoms at a blast. Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand.
-- Mark Twain, The Mysterious Stranger

Satire is traditionally the weapon of the powerless against the powerful.
-- Molly Ivins

"I was never crazy about Hitler...If you stand on a soapbox and trade rhetoric with a dictator you never win...That's what they do so well: they seduce people. But if you ridicule them, bring them down with laughter, they can't win. You show how crazy they are."
-- Mel Brooks


www.theoildrum.com/node/4486
hightrekker on September 3, 2008 - 1:33pm
When Christianity becomes a reference point critical thinking, Collapse is near.
As far as I can tell, this is the story:

The belief that a cosmic Jewish Zombie who was his own father can make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him you accept him as your master, so he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree...


Swami Beyondananda's website is
aka Steve Bhaerman
www.wakeuplaughing.com

his bi-weekly newsletter is one of the best anywhere, beyond partisanship, willing to discuss deep issues and transcendent potentials.

I especially recommend his book

WAKE UP LAUGHING:
An Insider's Guide to the Cosmic Comedy
By Steve Bhaerman

a great guide to humor.


www.venganza.org

Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster


American: the Bill Hicks story

A documentary about his life, you can see it for free (albeit with annoying ads that Hicks would have objected to).

www.hulu.com/watch/304824/american-the-bill-hicks-story

 

The world is like a ride in an amusement park, and when you choose to go on it you think it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. The ride goes up and down, around and around, it has thrills and chills, and it's very brightly colored, and it's very loud, and it's fun for a while. Many people have been on the ride a long time, and they begin to wonder, "Hey, is this real, or is this just a ride?" And other people have remembered, and they come back to us and say, "Hey, don't worry; don't be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride." And we … kill those people. "Shut him up! I've got a lot invested in this ride, shut him up! Look at my furrows of worry, look at my big bank account, and my family. This has to be real." It's just a ride. But we always kill the good guys who try and tell us that, you ever notice that? And let the demons run amok … But it doesn't matter, because it's just a ride. And we can change it any time we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings of money. Just a simple choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one. Here's what we can do to change the world, right now, to a better ride. Take all that money we spend on weapons and defenses each year and instead spend it feeding and clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would pay for many times over, not one human being excluded, and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, forever, in peace."
-- Bill Hicks

"Wouldn't you like to see a positive LSD story on the news? To base your decision on information rather than scare tactics and superstition? Perhaps? Wouldn't that be interesting? Just for once?
"Today, a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration – that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. There's no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we're the imagination of ourselves. Here's Tom with the weather."
-- Bill Hicks

I'm glad mushrooms are against the law, because I took them one time, and you know what happened to me? I laid in a field of green grass for four hours going, "My God! I love everything." Yeah, now if that isn't a hazard to our country … how are we gonna justify arms dealing when we realize that we're all one?
-- Bill Hicks

Watching television is like taking black spray paint to your third eye.
-- Bill Hicks

Eternal suffering awaits anyone who questions god's infinite love.
-- Bill Hicks

Folks, it's time to evolve. That's why we're troubled. You know why our institutions are failing us, the church, the state, everything's failing? It's because, um – they're no longer relevant. We're supposed to keep evolving. Evolution did not end with us growing opposable thumbs. You do know that, right? There's another 90 percent of our brains that we have to illuminate.
-- Bill Hicks

 

Kennedy, I love talking about the Kennedy assassination because to me it's a great example of, er, a totalitarian government's ability to, you know, manage information and thus keep us in the dark any way they... Oh sorry wrong meeting... Ah shit. That's the meeting we're having tomorrow at the docks. [winks] I love talking about Kennedy. I was just down in Dallas, Texas. You know you can go down there and, er, to Dealey Plaza where Kennedy was assassinated. And you can actually go to the sixth floor of the Schoolbook Depository. It's a museum called... 'The Assassination Museum'. I think they named that after the assassination. I can't be too sure of the chronology here but... Anyway they have the window set up to look exactly like it did on that day. And it's really accurate, you know, cos Oswald's not in it. "Yeah, yeh so wow that's cool." Painstaking accuracy, you know. It's true, it's called the 'Sniper's Nest'. It's glassed in, it's got the boxes sitting there. You can't actually get to the window as such but the reason they did that of course, they didn't want thousands of American tourists getting there each year going [Mimes looking out of window] "No fucking way! I can't even see the road. Shit they're lying to us. Fuck! Where are they? There's no fucking way. Not unless Oswald was hanging by his toes, upside down from the ledge. Either that or some pigeons grabbed onto him, flew him over the motorcade... Surely someone would have seen that. You know there was rumours of anti-Castro pigeons seen drinking in bars... Someone overhead them saying 'coup, coup' Coo. Unbelievable. And you know what's wild, people's, er, attitudes in the States about it. Talking about Kennedy, people come up to me: *"Bill, quit talking about Kennedy, man. Let it go. It's a long time ago - just forget about it." And I'm like alright, then don't bring up Jesus to me. As long as we're talking shelf life here. "Bill, you know Jesus died for you." Yeah, well it was a long time ago. Forget about it! How about this. Get Pilate to release the fucking files.* Quit washing your hands Pilate - release the goddam files. Who else was on that grassy Golgotha that day? "Bill, it was just, you know, hur, taking over of democracy by a totalitarian government, let it go."

 

Go back to bed, America. Your government has figured out how it all transpired. Go back to bed, America. Your government is in control again. Here. Here's American Gladiators. Watch this, shut up. Go back to bed, America. Here is American Gladiators. Here is 56 channels of it! Watch these pituitary retards bang their fucking skulls together and congratulate you on living in the land of freedom. Here you go, America! You are free to do what we tell you! You are free to do what we tell you!
-- Bill Hicks

 


www.georgewbush.org

www.whitehouse.org

www.billionairesforbush.com

www.theonion.com

www.landoverbaptist.org

www.bettybowers.com

www.theyesmen.org - The Yes Men

www.sfmt.org - San Francisco Mime Troupe

www.darwinawards.com - Named in honor of Charles Darwin, the father of evolution, the Darwin Awards commemorate those who improve our gene pool by removing themselves from it.

www.improbable.com - The Ig Nobel Prize (more fun than the Nobel Prizes)

www.gavinsblog.com/revelations.htm
Bill Hicks - Revelations

http://patriotboy.blogspot.com/
Jesus' General

Man nails Santa to cross to protest commercialism | KOMO-TV - Seattle, Washington
www.komotv.com/news/local/12773622.html


"Santa died for your MasterCard"

 

 

www.gavinsblog.com/revelations.htm
Bill Hicks

That's another good thing about Bush being gone, man, cos for the last 12 years with Reagan and Bush, we have had fundamentalist Christians in the White House. Fundamentalist Christians who believe the Bible is the exact word of God, including that wacky fire and brimstone Revelations ending, have had their finger on the fucking button for 12 years. [Eyes roll back in head] "Tell me when Lord, tell me when. Let me be your servant Lord." Fundamentalist Christianity - fascinating. These people actually believe that the bi.., er, the world is 12 thousand years old. Swear to God. What the..? Based on what? I asked them. "Well we looked at all the people in the Bible and we added 'em up all the way back to Adam and Eve, their ages - 12 thousand years." Well how fucking scientific, okay. I didn't know that you'd gone to so much trouble. That's good. You believe the world's 12 thousand years old? "That's right." Okay I got one word to ask you, a one word question, ready? "uh huh." Dinosaurs. You know the world's 12 thousand years old and dinosaurs existed, they existed in that time, you'd think it would have been mentioned in the fucking Bible at some point. "And lo Jesus and the disciples walked to Nazareth. But the trail was blocked by a giant brontosaurus... with a splinter in his paw. And O the disciples did run a shriekin': 'What a big fucking lizard, Lord!' But Jesus was unafraid and he took the splinter from the brontosaurus's paw and the big lizard became his friend. And Jesus sent him to Scotland where he lived in a loch for O so many years inviting thousands of American tourists to bring their fat fucking families and their fat dollar bills. And oh Scotland did praise the Lord. Thank you Lord, thank you Lord. Thank you Lord."


 

http://zimbabwesituation.com/jun27a_2008.html

A Zimbabwe joke is no laughing matter

The Times
June 27, 2008

Tyrants may try to ban it, but humour has a way of seeping through the cracks of any dictatorship

Ben Macintyre

Heard the one about Zimbabwe? A policeman stops a motorist and asks for a donation: terrorists have kidnapped the former Sir Robert Mugabe, and have vowed to soak him in petrol and set him alight if the ransom is not paid.

"How much are other people giving?" the motorist asks.

"On average about two or three litres." It may not be new, or even funny, but the joke represents one of the few points of light on the dark landscape of Zimbabwe. Mugabe and his thugs have killed off any meaningful election, food shortages are acute, inflation is heading for 1.5 million per cent, but one currency in Zimbabwe is steadily increasing in value - jokes.

Unreported amid the horrors is the growth of underground anti-government humour. Jokes about Mugabe are a crime; anyone saying or writing anything insulting to the Government is liable to be arrested. Yet the jokes are spreading, by text message, e-mail and by word of mouth. The www.nyambo.com website is dedicated to Zimbabwean humour. ("Nyambo" is Shona for "jokes".) Question: What did Zimbabweans use for light before candles? Answer: Electricity.

There is no sound more terrifying to a tyrant than a collective snigger. "Every joke is a tiny revolution," George Orwell wrote. The moment of truth for the Romanian tyrant Nicolae Ceausescu came when he looked out over the balcony during a rally in Bucharest and heard not the regimented chanting of a cowed people but the unmistakable susurrus of rebellion, a welling, mocking laughter that signalled the end.

Jokes alone cannot topple dictators, but anti-regime humour is the most subtle form of revolt, the slow erosion of a despot's dignity, a survival mechanism, a cathartic snook cocked at the stupidity, cruelty and hypocrisy of life under the boot.

Autocrats have seldom managed to suppress humour, although most have tried. Satire is banned in North Korea, the world's most humourless land. Earlier this month, police arrested Zarganar, Burma's most famous comedian, who has attracted a wide following by mocking its military rulers. Zarganar had led efforts to distribute humanitarian aid to victims of Cyclone Nargis. Official reports accused "unscrupulous elements" of exaggerating the country's problems.

"Humour," as Joseph Goebbels remarked, "has its limits." He was wrong, of course, for humour has no limits, and an uncanny way of seeping through cracks of the most vicious dictatorship.

Iraqis laughed behind their hands at Saddam Hussein, Romanians secretly teased Ceausescu (Why does he hold a May Day rally each year? To see how many people have survived the winter) and the French Revolution was preceded by a spontaneous upsurge of ribald humour at the expense of the monarchy.

Perhaps the most extraordinary proof of how humour can survive and even flourish under oppression is the spread of jokes under Soviet communism. In a fascinating new study entitled Hammer and Tickle, published by Weidenfeld & Nicolson, Ben Lewis explores the wealth of subversive humour during the long, bleak decades of communism.

People gathered, treasured and exchanged jokes, the "music of the oppressed", in Lewis's words - jokes about the endless shortages, official corruption, and the chasm between official pronouncement and crushing everyday reality: laughter in the face of unhappy truth.

Question: What stage comes between socialism and communism? Answer: Alcoholism.

Humour did not defeat communism, but it helped, chipping away at the plinth of dignity and omniscience on which the entire, ludicrous structure was perched. Ronald Reagan used to insist on telling anti-Soviet jokes to Mikhail Gorbachev at every meeting, to make a point - that the jokes made about him did not threaten the entire political system.

Party bosses understood the danger, and attempted to co-opt humour itself. Stalin encouraged jokes about Trotsky. Soviet ideologues invented "positive humour", a genre designed to emphasise the virtues of communism, and hilariously unfunny.

The most chilling moment in The Lives of Others, the brilliant 2007 film about East Germany's surveillance society, comes when a Stasi boss overhears a young underling telling a mild joke about Erich Honecker: he bids him repeat the joke, laughs heartily and then takes down his name and rank.

Perhaps the same sort of thinking lies behind Robert Mugabe's amusing dress sense - wear a ludicrous shirt and see who dares laugh, the Emperor's New Clothes in reverse.

Hitler authorised a book of cartoons in 1933 respectfully satirising himself, apparently in the belief that if humour was tolerated, up to a point, it might be controlled.

A thin but resilient vein of humour persisted, even in the death camps, where a mordant Jewish wit survived. What is the difference between a Jewish optimist and Jewish pessimist: Jewish pessimists are all in exile; Jewish optimists are all in concentration camps.

In July 1944 Father Josef Möller was sentenced to hang by a Nazi court for "one of the most vile and dangerous attacks directed at our confidence in our Führer".

He had told two parishioners this joke. A fatally wounded German soldier asked his chaplain to grant a final wish: "Place a picture of Hitler on one side of me, and a picture of Goering on the other side; that way I can die like Jesus - between two criminals."

Möller's last joke, Holocaust humour, the Soviets mocking their own plight and the thousands of Zimbabweans exchanging grim laughter in the face of brutality - these mark the strange point in history where courage and comedy combine. The very best jokes do not just make us laugh.

 

Stephen Colbert's Take at the White House Correspondents Dinner
Transcript of Stephen Colbert's monologue at the White House Correspondents Dinner
Saturday, April 29, 2006

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Before I begin, I've been asked to make an announcement. Whoever parked 14 black bulletproof S.U.V.'s out front, could you please move them? They are blocking in 14 other black bulletproof S.U.V.'s and they need to get out.
Wow. Wow, what an honor. The White House correspondents' dinner. To actually sit here, at the same table with my hero, George W. Bush, to be this close to the man. I feel like I'm dreaming. Somebody pinch me. You know what? I'm a pretty sound sleeper -- that may not be enough. Somebody shoot me in the face. Is he really not here tonight? Dammit. The one guy who could have helped.
By the way, before I get started, if anybody needs anything else at their tables, just speak slowly and clearly into your table numbers. Somebody from the NSA will be right over with a cocktail. Mark Smith, ladies and gentlemen of the press corps, Madame First Lady, Mr. President, my name is Stephen Colbert and tonight it's my privilege to celebrate this president. We're not so different, he and I. We get it. We're not brainiacs on the nerd patrol. We're not members of the factinista. We go straight from the gut, right sir? That's where the truth lies, right down here in the gut. Do you know you have more nerve endings in your gut than you have in your head? You can look it up. I know some of you are going to say I did look it up, and that's not true. That's cause you looked it up in a book.
Next time, look it up in your gut. I did. My gut tells me that's how our nervous system works. Every night on my show, the Colbert Report, I speak straight from the gut, OK? I give people the truth, unfiltered by rational argument. I call it the "No Fact Zone." Fox News, I hold a copyright on that term.
I'm a simple man with a simple mind. I hold a simple set of beliefs that I live by. Number one, I believe in America. I believe it exists. My gut tells me I live there. I feel that it extends from the Atlantic to the Pacific, and I strongly believe it has 50 states. And I cannot wait to see how the Washington Post spins that one tomorrow. I believe in democracy. I believe democracy is our greatest export. At least until China figures out a way to stamp it out of plastic for three cents a unit.
In fact, Ambassador Zhou Wenzhong, welcome. Your great country makes our Happy Meals possible. I said it's a celebration. I believe the government that governs best is the government that governs least. And by these standards, we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.
I believe in pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps. I believe it is possible -- I saw this guy do it once in Cirque du Soleil. It was magical. And though I am a committed Christian, I believe that everyone has the right to their own religion, be you Hindu, Jewish or Muslim. I believe there are infinite paths to accepting Jesus Christ as your personal savior.
Ladies and gentlemen, I believe it's yogurt. But I refuse to believe it's not butter. Most of all, I believe in this president.
Now, I know there are some polls out there saying this man has a 32% approval rating. But guys like us, we don't pay attention to the polls. We know that polls are just a collection of statistics that reflect what people are thinking in "reality." And reality has a well-known liberal bias.
So, Mr. President, please, pay no attention to the people that say the glass is half full. 32% means the glass -- it's important to set up your jokes properly, sir. Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means it's 2/3 empty. There's still some liquid in that glass is my point, but I wouldn't drink it. The last third is usually backwash. Okay, look, folks, my point is that I don't believe this is a low point in this presidency. I believe it is just a lull before a comeback.
I mean, it's like the movie "Rocky." All right. The president in this case is Rocky Balboa and Apollo Creed is -- everything else in the world. It's the tenth round. He's bloodied. His corner man, Mick, who in this case I guess would be the vice president, he's yelling, "Cut me, Dick, cut me!," and every time he falls everyone says, "Stay down! Stay down!" Does he stay down? No. Like Rocky, he gets back up, and in the end he -- actually, he loses in the first movie.
OK. Doesn't matter. The point is it is the heart-warming story of a man who was repeatedly punched in the face. So don't pay attention to the approval ratings that say 68% of Americans disapprove of the job this man is doing. I ask you this, does that not also logically mean that 68% approve of the job he's not doing? Think about it. I haven't.
I stand by this man. I stand by this man because he stands for things. Not only for things, he stands on things. Things like aircraft carriers and rubble and recently flooded city squares. And that sends a strong message, that no matter what happens to America, she will always rebound -- with the most powerfully staged photo ops in the world.
Now, there may be an energy crisis. This president has a very forward-thinking energy policy. Why do you think he's down on the ranch cutting that brush all the time? He's trying to create an alternative energy source. By 2008 we will have a mesquite-powered car!
And I just like the guy. He's a good joe. Obviously loves his wife, calls her his better half. And polls show America agrees. She's a true lady and a wonderful woman. But I just have one beef, ma'am.
I'm sorry, but this reading initiative. I'm sorry, I've never been a fan of books. I don't trust them. They're all fact, no heart. I mean, they're elitist, telling us what is or isn't true, or what did or didn't happen. Who's Britannica to tell me the Panama Canal was built in 1914? If I want to say it was built in 1941, that's my right as an American! I'm with the president, let history decide what did or did not happen.
The greatest thing about this man is he's steady. You know where he stands. He believes the same thing Wednesday that he believed on Monday, no matter what happened Tuesday. Events can change; this man's beliefs never will. As excited as I am to be here with the president, I am appalled to be surrounded by the liberal media that is destroying America, with the exception of Fox News. Fox News gives you both sides of every story: the president's side, and the vice president's side.
But the rest of you, what are you thinking, reporting on NSA wiretapping or secret prisons in eastern Europe? Those things are secret for a very important reason: they're super-depressing. And if that's your goal, well, misery accomplished. Over the last five years you people were so good -- over tax cuts, WMD intelligence, the effect of global warming. We Americans didn't want to know, and you had the courtesy not to try to find out. Those were good times, as far as we knew.
But, listen, let's review the rules. Here's how it works: the president makes decisions. He's the decider. The press secretary announces those decisions, and you people of the press type those decisions down. Make, announce, type. Just put 'em through a spell check and go home. Get to know your family again. Make love to your wife. Write that novel you got kicking around in your head. You know, the one about the intrepid Washington reporter with the courage to stand up to the administration. You know - fiction!
Because really, what incentive do these people have to answer your questions, after all? I mean, nothing satisfies you. Everybody asks for personnel changes. So the White House has personnel changes. Then you write, "Oh, they're just rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic." First of all, that is a terrible metaphor. This administration is not sinking. This administration is soaring. If anything, they are rearranging the deck chairs on the Hindenburg!
Now, it's not all bad guys out there. Some are heroes: Christopher Buckley, Jeff Sacks, Ken Burns, Bob Schieffer. They've all been on my show. By the way, Mr. President, thank you for agreeing to be on my show. I was just as shocked as everyone here is, I promise you. How's Tuesday for you? I've got Frank Rich, but we can bump him. And I mean bump him. I know a guy. Say the word.
See who we've got here tonight. General Moseley, Air Force Chief of Staff. General Peter Pace, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. They still support Rumsfeld. Right, you guys aren't retired yet, right? Right, they still support Rumsfeld.
Look, by the way, I've got a theory about how to handle these retired generals causing all this trouble: don't let them retire! Come on, we've got a stop-loss program; let's use it on these guys. I've seen Zinni and that crowd on Wolf Blitzer. If you're strong enough to go on one of those pundit shows, you can stand on a bank of computers and order men into battle. Come on.
Jesse Jackson is here, the Reverend. Haven't heard from the Reverend in a little while. I had him on the show. Very interesting and challenging interview. You can ask him anything, but he's going to say what he wants, at the pace that he wants. It's like boxing a glacier. Enjoy that metaphor, by the way, because your grandchildren will have no idea what a glacier is.
Justice Scalia is here. Welcome, sir. May I be the first to say, you look fantastic. How are you? [After each sentence, Colbert makes a hand gesture, an allusion to Scalia's recent use of an obscene Sicilian hand gesture in speaking to a reporter about Scalia's critics. Scalia is seen laughing hysterically.] Just talking some Sicilian with my paisan.
John McCain is here. John McCain, John McCain, what a maverick! Somebody find out what fork he used on his salad, because I guarantee you it wasn't a salad fork. This guy could have used a spoon! There's no predicting him. By the way, Senator McCain, it's so wonderful to see you coming back into the Republican fold. I have a summer house in South Carolina; look me up when you go to speak at Bob Jones University. So glad you've seen the light, sir.
Mayor Nagin! Mayor Nagin is here from New Orleans, the chocolate city! Yeah, give it up. Mayor Nagin, I'd like to welcome you to Washington, D.C., the chocolate city with a marshmallow center. And a graham cracker crust of corruption. It's a Mallomar, I guess is what I'm describing, a seasonal cookie.
Joe Wilson is here, Joe Wilson right down here in front, the most famous husband since Desi Arnaz. And of course he brought along his lovely wife Valerie Plame. Oh, my god! Oh, what have I said? [looks horrified] I am sorry, Mr. President, I meant to say he brought along his lovely wife Joe Wilson's wife. Patrick Fitzgerald is not here tonight? OK. Dodged a bullet.
And, of course, we can't forget the man of the hour, new press secretary, Tony Snow. Secret Service name, "Snow Job." Toughest job. What a hero! Took the second toughest job in government, next to, of course, the ambassador to Iraq.
Got some big shoes to fill, Tony. Big shoes to fill. Scott McClellan could say nothing like nobody else. McClellan, of course, eager to retire. Really felt like he needed to spend more time with Andrew Card's children. Mr. President, I wish you hadn't made the decision so quickly, sir.
I was vying for the job myself. I think I would have made a fabulous press secretary. I have nothing but contempt for these people. I know how to handle these clowns. In fact, sir, I brought along an audition tape and with your indulgence, I'd like to at least give it a shot. So, ladies and gentlemen, my press conference.

BEGINNING OF "AUDITION TAPE"

Colbert shows a video of a mock press conference. It opens with him at a podium, addressing the assembled Washington press corps.
COLBERT: I have a brief statement: the press is destroying America. OK, let's see who we've got here today.
COLBERT (acknowledging various reporters): Stretch! (David Gregory nods)
Sir Nerdlington! (reporter nods)
Sloppy Joe! (reporter nods)
Terry Lemon Moran Pie! (Terry Moran nods)
Oh, Doubting Thomas, always a pleasure. (Helen Thomas smiles)
And Suzanne Mal -- hello!!
(Suzanne Malveaux stares at Colbert, looking unhappy. Colbert mimics putting a phone to his ear and mouths "call me.")
REPORTER: Will the Vice President be available soon to answer all questions himself?
COLBERT: I've already addressed that question. You (pointing to another reporter).
REPORTER: Walter Cronkite, the noted CBS anchor, . . .
COLBERT (interrupting): Ah, no, he's the former CBS anchor. Katie Couric is the new anchor of the CBS Evening News. Well, well, how do you guys feel about that?
You, tousle-haired guy in the back. Are you happy about Katie Couric taking over the CBS Evening News?
DAN RATHER: No, sir, Mr. Colbert. Are you? (Laughter)
COLBERT: Boom! Oh, look, we woke David Gregory up. Question?
DAVID GREGORY: Did Karl Rove commit a crime?
COLBERT: I don't know. I'll ask him.
(Colbert turns to Rove) Karl, pay attention please! (Rove is seen drawing a heart with "Karl + Stephen" written on it.)
GREGORY: Do you stand by your statement from the fall of 2003 when you were asked specifically about Karl, and Elliott Abrams, and Scooter Libby, and you said "I've gone to each of those gentlemen, and they have told me that they are not involved in this." Do you stand by that statement?
COLBERT: Nah, I was just kidding!
GREGORY: No, you're not finishing. You're not saying anything! You stood at that podium and said . . .
COLBERT (interrupting): Ah, that's where you're wrong. New podium! Just had it delivered today. Get your facts straight, David.
GREGORY: This is ridiculous. The notion that you're going to stand before us after having commented with that level of detail and tell the people watching this that somehow you've decided not to talk. You've got to . . .
(Colbert is seen looking at three buttons on the podium, labeled "EJECT," "GANNON" and "VOLUME." He selects the "VOLUME" button and turns it. We see Gregory's lips continue moving, but can't hear any sound coming out.)
COLBERT: If I can't hear you, I can't answer your question. I'm sorry! I have to move on. Terry.
TERRY MORAN: After the investigation began, after the criminal investigation was underway, you said . . .
(Colbert presses a button on the podium and fast-forwards through most of Moran's question.)
MORAN (continuing): All of a sudden, you have respect for the sanctity of a criminal investigation?
COLBERT (seen playing with rubber ball, which he is bouncing off attached paddle): No, I never had any respect for the sanctity of a criminal investigation. Activist judges! Yes, Helen.
HELEN THOMAS: You're going to be sorry. (Laughter)
COLBERT (looking vastly amused, mockingly): What are you going to do, Helen, ask me for a recipe?
THOMAS: Your decision to invade Iraq has caused the deaths of thousands (Colbert's smile fades) of Americans and Iraqis, wounds of Americans and Iraqis for a lifetime.
COLBERT (interrupting): OK, hold on Helen, look . . .
THOMAS (continuing): Every reason given, publicly at least, has turned out not to be true. My question is why did you really want to go to war?
COLBERT (again interrupting): Helen, I'm going to stop you right there. (Thomas keeps talking.) That's enough! No! Sorry, Helen, I'm moving on. (Colbert tries to turn her volume off, but the knob falls off his controls.)
(Various reporters start shouting questions at Colbert.)
COLBERT (agitated): Guys, guys, please don't let Helen do this to what was a lovely day.
(Reporters keep shouting at him.)
COLBERT (putting his fingers over his ears and shouting in a high-pitched voice): Bllrrtt! No, no, no, no, no. I'm not listening to you!
Look what you did, Helen! I hate you!
(Helen Thomas glowers at Colbert.)
COLBERT (frantic): I'm out of here!
(Colbert pulls back the curtain behind him, desperately trying to flee. He says, "There is a wall here!" The press corps laughs. Colbert has difficulty finding a door from which to exit the room, echoing Bush's experience in China. He finally finds the door and hurries through it.)
COLBERT: It reeks in there! Ridiculous! I've never been so insulted in my life! Stupid job.
(Colbert continues walking away. We hear sinister-sounding music playing. We see Helen Thomas walking behind Colbert.)
(Colbert looks behind him, sees Thomas, and starts running.)
(Colbert trips over a roller skate, and yells "Condi!" We see a close-up of Helen Thomas' face, looking determined and angry. Colbert, increasingly panicked, gets up and continues running, running into a parking garage. He reaches an emergency call box, and yells into it.)
COLBERT: Oh, thank God. Help me!
ATTENDANT: What seems to be the problem, sir?
COLBERT: She won't stop asking why we invaded Iraq!
ATTENDANT: Hey, why did we invade Iraq?
COLBERT: NO!!! (runs toward his car)
(We see Helen Thomas, still walking toward him.)
(Colbert reaches his car, and fumblingly attempts to open it with his key. He is in such a desperate hurry that he fumbles with the keys and drops them. When he picks them up, he looks back and Helen is even closer. In his frantic rush, Colbert just can't get the keys into the lock.)
(Just as his anxiety is getting completely out of control he suddenly remembers that he has a keyless remote -- so he just pushes the button on the keychain and the car unlocks immediately with the usual double squeak noise. Colbert jumps in and locks the door, and continues to fumble trying to get the car started. He finally succeeds, and looks up to see Helen standing in front of the car, notepad in hand.)
COLBERT: NO!!! NO!!!
(Colbert puts the car into reverse and drives off, tires squealing. Thomas smiles.)
(Colbert is shown taking the shuttle from Washington, D.C. to New York. A car and driver are waiting for him at Penn Station. The uniformed man standing alongside the car opens the door and lets Colbert in.)
COLBERT: What a terrible trip, Danny. Take me home.
(The driver locks the doors, turns around, and says, "Buckle up, hon." IT'S HELEN THOMAS!!!)
COLBERT (horrified face pressed against car window): NO!!!
END OF "AUDITION TAPE"
STEPHEN COLBERT: Helen Thomas, ladies and gentlemen. Mr. Smith, members of the White House Correspondents Association, Madame First Lady, Mr. President, it's been a true honor. Thank you very much. Good night!


www.zimbabwesituation.com/mar15_2008.html

Humor Helps Zimbabweans Beat Economic Stress

VOA

By Derek Moyo
Harare, Zimbabwe
14 March 2008

Many Zimbabweans say they are despondent and depressed over shortages, price hikes and other challenges. But on-going economic decline has also created its own brand of biting humor. From Harare, Loirdham Moyo describes some of the banter used by people reacting to serious problems.

As the cost of beef, chicken and pork soars, housewives have created their own slang to describe new dishes. Fun and humorous, the uninitiated won't have a clue what people are talking about unless they've been given a clear explanation.

For example, the cheapest and lowest grade of beef costs at least 17 million Zimbabwe dollars per kilogram. This is partly why housewives now compete for the cheapest available delicacies, some which were shunned not too long ago.

When some women say they are preparing "full chicken" for supper, they are actually cooking the quella (a tiny bird) found in wheat plantations in the lowveld. The animals are trapped by villagers along the Save river at night, when they roost. They are an extremely popular replacement for impossibly scarce chicken.

Amid ongoing shortages of water, residents of many urban centers now refer to gathering rainfall from their roofs as "gathering manna from Heaven". Most suburbs go for days without having a single drop of water from the taps. Many say - thanks to the rainy season - they now rely on downpours for drinking water and laundry.

Additionally, housewives make a cheap dish of cabbage more appetizing by referring to it as a cow's head or a pig's head, while green vegetables are referred to as "green meat".

The list of unavailable items lengthens, including a shortage of cell phones and poor (if any) TV and radio transmissions. Fed up Zimbabweans now say these services - when not available -- are "on voicemail". Most have become accustomed to not being able to contact business associates, relatives or friends. let alone watching their favourite programs.

Some government para-statals have been re-named. The Zimbabwe Electricity Supply Authority, or ZESA, has been dubbed "The Zimbabwe Electricity Sometimes Available". Others say any acronym starting with a "Z" means bad news and no service. Included on the list is the water authority ZINWA, now called "Zimbabwe No Water Available", and the Zimbabwe Republic Police. The latter has been re-named the Zanu Republic Police due its partisan support for the ruling ZANU party.

Zimbabweans say if it wasn't for humor, they couldn't overcome the daily challenges they face. They say humor is the best way to alleviate stress.


Some things to Do Before the Bush Inaugural:  

1. Get that abortion you've always wanted
2. Drink a nice clean glass of water
3. Cash your social security check
4. See a doctor of your own choosing
5. Spend quality time with your draft age child/grandchild
6. Visit Syria, or any foreign country for that matter
7. Get that gas mask you've been putting off buying
8. Hoard gasoline
10. Borrow books from the library before they're banned - Constitutional law books, Catcher in the Rye, Harry Potter, Tropic of Cancer, etc. 
11. If you have an idea for an art piece involving a crucifix - do it now
12. Come out - then go back in - HURRY!
13. Jam in all the Alzheimer's stem cell research you can
14. Stay out late before the curfews start
15. Go see Bruce Springsteen before he has his "accident."
16. Go see Mount Rushmore before the Reagan addition
17. Use the phrase -- "you can't do that -- this is America."
18. If you're white -- marry a black person, if you're black -- marry a white person.
19. Take a walk in Yosemite, without being hit by a snowmobile or a base-jumper
20. Enroll your kid in an accelerated art or music class.
21. Start your school day without a prayer
22. Pass on the secrets of evolution to future generations
23. Learn French
24. Attend a commitment ceremony with your gay friends
25. Take a factory tour anywhere in the US
26. Try to take photographs of animals on the endangered species list
27. Visit Florida before the polar ice caps melt
28. Visit Nevada before it becomes radioactive
29. Visit Alaska before "The Big Spill"
30. Visit Massachusetts while it is still a State

Justin A. Frank, M.D. > Washington, DC 20007
Author of Bush on the Couch: Inside the Mind of the President

 


Homeland Security's new "safe plane" initiative

 

 

<http://www.usatoday.com/news/washington/2006-01-12-pentagon-laughter_x.htm
Pentagon to families: Go ahead, laugh
Posted 1/13/2006
By Gregg Zoroya, USA TODAY
When the stress of the war in Iraq becomes too severe, the Pentagon has
a suggestion for military families: Learn how to laugh.
With help from the Pentagon's chief laughter instructor, families of
National Guard members are learning to walk like a penguin, laugh like a
lion and blurt "ha, ha, hee, hee and ho, ho."
No joke.
"I laugh every chance I get," says the instructor, retired Army colonel
James "Scotty" Scott. "That's why I'm blessed to be at the Pentagon,
where we definitely need a lot of laughter in our lives."
Scott, 57, is certified as a laughter training specialist by the
Ohio-based World Laughter Tour, a group that promotes mirth as medicine.
It touts scientific research that suggests chuckling can boost the
body's immune system and decrease stress hormones.
A Pentagon spokeswoman, Lt. Col. Ellen Krenke, says the Pentagon is
committed to the program and values Scott's skills. "We sent him to the
training," she says.
The laughter program was Scott's idea. It costs the military virtually
nothing, because Scott already travels to states as a director of
military family support policy.
KEEPING THEM IN STITCHES
Ways military families are being taught to laugh:
Penguin exercise: Waddle and flap hands as though they're fins.
Lion laugh: Open eyes and mouth wide while repeating "ha ha's."
Repeat "ho, ho, ha, ha, ha," while clapping on each sound.
He has taught National Guard family group leaders in Alaska, Kansas,
Oklahoma, Texas and Idaho, and will do so in Michigan, Pennsylvania and
Florida, he says. Another laughter trainer is working with folks in
North Carolina.
"We believe our program prevents hardening of the attitudes," says
Scott, in one of his wordplay aphorisms that beg for a rimshot. The
founder and chief executive of the World Laughter Tour is psychologist
Steve Wilson, who calls himself "Cheerman of the Bored."
"The guiding principle is to laugh for no reason. And that's one of the
reasons it works so well for military families," Scott says. "There's a
lot they have to be stressed over, a lot of worries, a lot of concerns."
As foolish as students might feel, Scott says he's lost only one
participant: a Marine sergeant major who, Scott says, fled the room with
a bad case of the giggles.
Mary Frances Booth, the wife of a retired soldier, took the class last
year and is an ardent devotee.
She and her two daughters - Meaghan, 10 and Sarah, 8 - were sobbing
after Booth dropped her husband at the Boise airport Sunday; he was
headed for Afghanistan for work as a civilian contractor, she says. Then
Booth called for one of the laughing drills.
"They rolled their eyes at me and thought, 'Mom's on her laughing thing
again,' " Booth says. "(But) it made it a little bit better."

 

Things you have to believe to be a Republican today:

Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.
Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a diversion and "we can't find Bin Laden"
Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.
The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.
A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind
without regulation.
The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.
If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.
A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our longtime allies, then demand their cooperation and money.
Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.
HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.
Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.
A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense.
A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.
Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.
The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.
Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers
for your recovery.
You support states' rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have the right to adopt.
What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.
Feel free to pass this on. If you don't send it to at least 10 other people, we're likely to be stuck with Bush for 4 more years.
Friends don't let friends vote Republican.

 

 

www.theyesmen.org

The Yes Men, a movie, follows a couple of anti-corporate activist-pranksters as they impersonate World Trade Organization spokesmen at business conferences around the world.
The story begins with Andy and Mike setting up a tasteless parody of the WTO's website. Some visitors don’t notice the site is a fake, and send speaking invitations meant for the real WTO. Mike and Andy play along with the ruse and soon find themselves attending important functions as WTO representatives.
Delighted to speak for the organization they oppose, Andy and Mike don thrift-store suits and set out to shock their unwitting audiences with darkly comic satires on global free trade. Weirdly, the experts don’t notice the joke and seem to agree with every terrible idea the two can come up with.
Exhausted by their failed attempts to shock, Mike and Andy take a whole new approach for one final lecture.
The Yes Men is directed by Dan Olman, Sarah Price, and Chris Smith, whose previous credits include the 1999 Sundance Winner “American Movie.” It is being released by United Artists in the summer of 2004.

 

OFFICIAL WHITE HOUSE APOLOGY FORM
Form 3331776#VLATE
THE WHITE HOUSE
George W. Bush

PLEASE FILL IN ALL BLANKS (or form will be invalidated)
NAME: _____________________________________________________
Prisoner # ___________
Nationality:
Iraqi _____
Palestinian _____
Afghan _________
African American ________
Latino _______
Other _______

Location:
Abu Ghraib ____
Guantanamo ______
Haifa ______
Fort Benning, GA _______
NY Correctional Facility _______
Other____

Gender:
MALE___
FEMALE___
OTHER___

Level of sincerity: (circle one) 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Degree of mutilation: (circle one) 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Send Bible (circle one) Gold leaf Regular
Gift basket: Yes No
Halliburton discount coupons Yes No
Autographed picture of GWB Yes No
Flight suit replica insert Yes No
Card from Laura Yes No
Burger King gift certificate Whopper Regular

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr and Mrs ___(insert family name here) _________,

I, President George W. Bush, on behalf of myself and the American People,
wish to extend my (choose one) deepest __ most sincere ___ belated ___
apologies on the unfortunate abuse _______ torture _______
sexual humiliation _______ death _______
of your beloved (insert abusee/torturee/corpse name here)___________.

He/She (choose all that apply) was made to perform forced sex _____
masturbate ____ lie on other prisoners naked _____
wear a leash and walk like a doggie____ wear a hood _____
endure electric shock ______ eat pork _____ by

one of our brave soldiers ____ civilian contractors ___ CIA Ops ____
Embedded Journalists _____ who are normally fighting for the great
causes of freedom, democracy, and liberation.

We want you to know that ______(insert first name here) _________
was/is a very special ____(insert gender here)____, and endured torture___
suffered abuse ____ suffered humiliation____ was raped ___ died _____
in the most heroic and courageous way.

The actions by our normally brave soldiers ____ civilian contractors ___
CIA Ops _______ Embedded Journalists _____
Do NOT reflect what I know to be AMERICA or The AMERICAN PEOPLE. Our War
on Global Terrorism will go on, and we will be victorious, due to the
sacrifice of men/women like___(insert name here)____.

Please let us (choose one: sincerely__ profusely __ genuinely ___ )
apologize for not being able to attend the funeral.

Sincerely yours,
George W. Bush

cc: Fox News


www.azcentral.com/ent/front/articles/0124carlin24.html
'Liberal' is a dirty word for George Carlin
Michael Deeds
The Idaho Statesman
Jan. 24, 2004 12:00 AM

No other comedian consistently tweaks as many nerves, churns as many stomachs and terrorizes as many conservatives as George Carlin.
The man is a menace.
"The more resistance and discomfort I can feel from the audience, the better I feel," Carlin explains contentedly in a phone interview. "The happier I am."
Being a gleeful irritant has its perks. Carlin's resume includes 24 albums, 12 HBO specials, three Grammy Awards and five Emmy nominations. His next book, "When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops," will be published later this year. Carlin also will enjoy his most significant acting role to date in this year's "Jersey Girl," which co-stars Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez.
At age 66, Carlin stands alone in his class.

Question: There aren't many big comedians over the age of 40. What keeps you so successful?
Answer: Uh, quality. It's a fact. I'm one of the best ones out there. I sell 250,000 tickets a year. There aren't many comedians in my age group that do that. Cosby probably does that ... I'm kind of singular now. I mean, I'm not being boastful or conceited. I'm being an accurate reporter of the facts. I'm pretty good at this. The reason it's lasted so long is I continue to grow and turn out new material.

Q: You don't do a lot of topical, current event comedy, do you?
A: I don't like topical stuff. It's too easy. Anybody can make fun of Bush. Hillary Clinton. Monica Lewinsky. Mike Tyson. That ... ain't hard. That's like shooting fish in a barrel. So I prefer going at things from an odd angle, different angle. I'm doing stuff about suicide ... I'm doing stuff about the fabric of space-time splitting open. I'm doing stuff about being a modern man with the language. So I'm just different, you know?

Q: Is being dark as important to you now as it was earlier in your career?
A: I don't know that I ever was (dark) - except now. I like testing people's limits. I like finding out what an audience feels uncomfortable with and pushing on that. That's the fun of art.

Q: You're known as a very liberal comic. Are you trying to change people's political views when you go out there? Do you have an underlying agenda?
A: No. First of all, I'm not liberal. I'm just about (being) anti-United States. I don't like the way this country operates. I think we've ruined this place. And I think it's largely because of businessmen. And businessmen are not liberals. So if that makes me a liberal, then that's just an association. It's not a choice. ...
I do not care about changing anybody. Nobody. I go out there to show the rest of the Americans how badly they're doing. This country has been, for about 180 years now, badly mishandled. And it's been in the wrong hands. It's been in the hands of the business interests.
And a lot of the beauty of this country has been shattered by them. The physical beauty and the kind of institutional beauty that was originally built into this place - this experiment, this magnificent experiment in democracy is just being shredded to pieces by these right-wing Christians, the Ashcroft branch of Republicanism. (They're) just shredding the rest of the Bill of Rights which hadn't been shredded already. (But) they'd been doing a pretty good job on it up until then, anyway
.

Q: Do you feel like this country has progressed any way, shape or form in the past 20 years?
A: Everybody's got more jet skis and Dustbusters now and sneakers with lights in them. They've got more cheese on their thing that they buy. They get double helpings. See, Americans measure all their progress in the wrong way. They measure by quantity and by gizmos and toys. And not by quality and by things that are important.
The most interesting thing to me is that the things that people would seem to have the most right to have - that is to say health, food, shelter and a job are the things that are last on the list. To me, that is fundamental. Those are the things humans most need to function, and we have placed them at the bottom of the list. So I think that says a lot about national character and priorities.


MARK YOUR CALENDARS FOR NEXT SATURDAY.
AS YOU MAY ALREADY KNOW, IT IS A SIN FOR A TALIBAN MALE TO SEE ANY WOMAN OTHER THAN HIS WIFE NAKED, AND THAT HE MUST COMMIT SUICIDE IF HE DOES.
SO THIS SATURDAY AT 4 P.M. EASTERN TIME ALL AMERICAN WOMEN ARE ASKED TO WALK OUT OF THEIR HOUSE COMPLETELY NAKED TO HELP WEED OUT ANY NEIGHBORHOOD TERRORISTS.
CIRCLING YOUR BLOCK FOR ONE HOUR IS RECOMMENDED FOR THIS PATRIOTIC, ANTI-TERRORIST EFFORT.
ALL MEN ARE TO POSITION THEMSELVES IN LAWN CHAIRS IN FRONT OF THEIR HOUSE TO PROVE THEY ARE NOT TALIBAN, AND TO DEMONSTRATE THAT THEY THINK ITS OKAY TO SEE NUDE WOMEN OTHER THAN THEIR WIFE AND TO SHOW SUPPORT FOR ALL AMERICAN WOMEN.
AND SINCE THE TALIBAN ALSO DOES NOT APPROVE OF ALCOHOL, A COLD 6-PACK AT YOUR SIDE IS FURTHER PROOF OF YOUR ANTI-TALIBAN SENTIMENT.
THE AMERICAN GOVERNMENT APPRECIATES YOUR EFFORTS TO ROOT OUT TERRORISTS AND APPLAUDS YOUR PARTICIPATION IN THIS ANTI-TERRORIST ACTIVITY.
IT IS YOUR PATRIOTIC DUTY TO PASS THIS ON

On the twelfth day of fascism
John Ashcroft gave to me,
Twelve digital implants
Eleven years protesting
Ten less Amendments
Nine internment camps
Eight surveillance cameras
Seven TIPsters tipping
Six snoops a-sniffing
Five Smallpox Shots
Four airport friskings
Three wiretappings
Two detained Muslims
And a Department of Homeland Security.

Submitted by Brendan Trainor


 

NEW TERRORIST THREAT
At New York's Kennedy airport this week, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney General John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like "x" and "y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns", but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.
"As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to every triangle," Ashcroft declared.
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."
"I am gratified that our government has given us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence," the President said, adding: "Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point, and draw the line."
President Bush warned, "These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their after-math on a scalene never before seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor-in random facts of vertex."
Attorney General Ashcroft said, "As our Great Leader would say, read my ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertain of: though they continue to multiply ; their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens around their necks."


 

www.konformist.com/911/w-speech.htm  
Bush's 911 speech to Congress (decrypted, humorous version)

excerpts ...
Americans have known the casualties of war, but not at the center of a great city on a peaceful morning. That knowledge, until now, has belonged almost exclusively to our adversaries.
Americans have known surprise attacks, but rarely from the receiving side.
All of this was brought upon us in a single day, and night fell on a different world, a world where freedom itself is under attack, and I am not referring to the repressive laws we are about to enact.
Americans have many questions tonight. They are asking, ''Who wrote my speech?" They also want to know why it is that when a reporter asks me a question, I often look like a spaniel who has just heard an unfamiliar command.
....
And we will pursue nations that provide aid or safe haven to terrorism or, this time, draft dodgers. Every nation in every region now has a decision to make: Either serve our machine or be considered terrorists.
Today, dozens of federal departments and agencies, as well as state and local governments, have responsibilities affecting homeland security.
These efforts must be coordinated at the highest level. So tonight, I announce the creation of a Cabinet-level position reporting directly to me, I call it the General Emergency Section Tracking Anti-American Populist Opposition.
These measures are essential.
Many will be involved in this effort, from FBI agents, now free to employ sleazier sleazebags as intelligence operatives, to the teams that are once again authorized to assassinate the leaders of other nations. All deserve our thanks, and all have our prayers.
I ask your continued participation and confidence in the American economy as it plunges toward the abyss.
America is successful because of the hard work and creativity and enterprise of people who frequently cannot afford a roof over their heads. These were the true strengths of our economy before September 11. and they are our strengths today.
Tonight I thank my fellow Americans for what you have already done and for what you are about to do without even being aware that you are doing it.
And ladies and gentlemen of the Congress, I thank you, their representatives, for what you have already done to help untangle us from the restrictions of the Bill of Rights and granting me absolute power.


http://bettybowers.com/fbi.html 
how to spot a middle eastern male (satire)

www.whitehouse.org 
the alternative White House website
get your patriotic homeland security bar-code tattoos!

www.dubyadubyadubya.com - "technical difficulties"

http://onlineconfessional.com/parody/Homeland/
Propaganda posters from the Ministry of Homeland Security

www.theonion.com/onion3738/privileged_children.html
Dubya and Osama

Bush Sr. Apologizes To Son For Funding Bin Laden In '80s [satire]
MIDLAND, TX— Former president George Bush issued an apology to his son Monday for advocating the CIA's mid-'80s funding of Osama bin Laden, who at the time was resisting the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan. "I'm sorry, son," Bush told President George W. Bush. "We thought it was a good idea at the time because he was part of a group fighting communism in Central Asia. We called them 'freedom fighters' back then. I know it sounds weird. You sort of had to be there." Bush is still deliberating over whether to tell his son about the whole supporting-Saddam Hussein-against-Iran thing. www.theonion.com/onion3734/index.html

http://www.thespeciousreport.com/2002_binladen_nude.html
Bin Laden nudes are fake, Swiss lab says

http://www.fuckitall.com/bsh/#
movie (slightly altered) of Bush's State of the Union speech
a fun view - but evidence that it is very easy to doctor audio and video "evidence"

http://goddoubleplusblessamerica.org/jest/card-tom_ridge.jpg

http://yorick.infinitejest.org:81/
American Crusade trading cards

http://yorick.infinitejest.org:81/1/crossafire1.html
Cross-A-Fire - Donald Rumsfeld

 


The Million Moron March

 

http://www.homedespot.com/

http://www.octanecreative.com/ducttape/fashion.html
Duct Tape Fashion Gallery

 


"more war, now!" -- mock pro-war rally in milwaukee!!"WE LOVE THE POLICE STATE"
Mock Pro-War Rally in Milwaukee, Wisconsin
With the anti-war movement in Milwaukee lacking a significant and
consistent showing, when the Milwaukee police department tickets
motorists who drive by anti-war rallys and honk in support of the
protesters, in a time when the war is televised like a sporting event,
a small group of Milwaukee artists, musicians, and outcasts decided to
stage a mock pro-war rally to subvert the right!
The street theater action was committed on April 4th in near
blizzard conditions when 20 "fanatical pro-war" supporters occupied the
opposite side of the downtown street to rally in support of the war and
oppose of the peace activists who gather every Friday for the weekly
peace vigils.
The 20 "pro-war" supporters dressed in suits, waved American Flags,
chanted slogans in fierce support of war, death, and killing. Rush
hour traffic drove by and honked in approval to the flags and signs
that read: "Freedom Is The Enemy", "Bomb My Car", "Get A Brain Morans",
"Iraq Out Of Iraq", "Draft My Child", "Send Our Infants", "Soccer Moms
For Blood", "I Want More Meat", "War Is Peace", "I'm Pro-Life And
Pro-Death", "Stop Reporting The Facts", "Peace Is For The Afterlife",
"Bush Is The Savior", "This Is No Time For Thinking", "Pro-Bush Lesbian",
and "Ask Me About My Baby Killing Honor Student" among other slogans.
Before the event the local media were called and told about the
"Clear Channel" sponsored pro-war rally. The reporters failed to get
an interview from the pro-war fanatics because every time they
approached the demonstrators they chanted "Boycott The Liberal Media!".
The riot cops were very confused by the heartfelt chants of "We Love
The Police State!".
And the anti-war protesters were perplexed by the "All We Are
Saying Is Give Death A Chance" chorus.
A few on-lookers with their jaws dropped may indeed never visit
Milwaukee again, but all told the "Pro-War" reaction was a smashing
success that demonstrates the kind of gung-ho patriotism that would
make George W. proud.
forwarded by http://unamity.com/NaGaRa

 


Top 10 Reasons Dorothy Was Greeted As A Liberator
...And Our Army Wasn't
10. The Wicked Witch of the East actually HAD weapons of mass destruction.
9. Rebuilding contracts awarded locally to Lullaby League and Lollipop Guild.
8. Dorothy apologized.
7. Evil oppressor legally verified as "really most sincerely dead" rather than "maybe dead."
6. Dorothy got it that she wasn't in Kansas any more.
5. Did not install Toto as interim governor of Munchkinland.
4. Went home as soon as possible.
3. No interest in Munchkinland's natural resources.
2. Dorothy wasn't taking orders from the one with no brain.
1. No collateral damage.

 

 

 

 

from THE ONION - fair use, noncommercial use only

 


WASHINGTON, DC-As an additional reminder that the U.S. is on high alert for terrorist attacks, Secretary of Homeland Security Tom Ridge announced Tuesday that Orange Alert klaxons will blare 24 hours a day in all major cities.


Above: Pedestrians in Manhattan maintain a high state of alertness thanks to an Orange Alert siren.

"These 130-decibel sirens, which, beginning Friday, will scream all day and night in the nation's 50 largest metro areas, will serve as a helpful reminder to citizens to stay on the lookout for suspicious activity and be ready for emergency action," Ridge said. "Please note, though, that this is merely a precautionary measure, so go about your lives as normal."
The sirens, Ridge said, will be strategically positioned throughout each city and will be audible within a three-mile radius. The noise will be loud enough to render conversation impossible within a 200-yard range.
"Some may find their normal sleep patterns disrupted, but it's a small price to pay to ensure our collective awareness of the heightened danger," Ridge said. "The key to preventing terrorist attacks is to have the threat constantly on your mind but still remain calm and act normal."
Ridge stressed that the government does not want individuals to let the blaring sirens affect their work or travel plans.
"Go about your usual business," Ridge said. "Of course, while you do so, keep in mind that we are just barely this side of Red Alert, the highest level of danger possible."
Ridge also urged citizens to pay close attention to the sirens' subtle variations.
"The steady 'alert' siren indicates the need to be generally aware of the threat of terrorism," he said. "This is the normal, default siren. The higher-pitched 'wail' siren, on the other hand, means federal authorities have credible information regarding a specific possible threat, and that citizens should ready themselves for the 30 to 50 percent likelihood of an attack. If citizens hear an 'alternating wail' siren, a piercing shriek/whine interrupted every 30 seconds by short bursts of what sounds like gunfire, they need to prepare for the 70 percent chance of a 20 percent more serious disaster. And, finally, a 'pulsating steady' alarm means Americans should have plenty of plastic sheeting and duct tape on hand to make a shelter in the almost guaranteed event of chemical, biological, or radiological attack."

Above: A man urinating at D.C.'s Union Station is reminded to be extra vigilant.

Ridge emphasized that all these alarms merely indicate an Orange Alert state and not a 100 percent definite threat. Should the country be raised to Red Alert status, an entirely different set of patterned horn bursts would be put into use, the details of which will be available at www.fema.gov.
To make the alert system more responsive to subtle fluctuations in the national terror level, five new colors have been added between orange and red.
"The newly added levels are Orange-Red Alert, Red-Orange Alert, Maroon Alert, Burnt Sienna Alert, and Ochre Alert," Ridge said. "They indicate, in ascending order of fear: concern, deep dread, severe apprehension, near-crippling fright, and pants-shitting terror. Please make a note of this."
The sirens have already been introduced on a test basis in New York, San Francisco, and Atlanta. In spite of some complaints, most residents of the three cities are adjusting well to the warnings.
"The sirens are really loud," said San Francisco resident Linda Pearcy, shouting over a horn posted in her backyard. "My dog won't stop barking, and the windows rattle all day long. And I didn't know about the helicopters dropping all the orange slips of paper. I guess I can't complain, though. These are scary times, and the government is doing what it can to make us feel more secure."

 

 

The Onion
Wednesday, February 5, 2003 NEWS IN BRIEF
-------------------
Department Of The Interior Sets Aside Two Million Acres For Car Commercials
WASHINGTON, DC-Seeking to "safeguard our precious wildlands for future generations of SUV ads," the Department of the Interior set aside two million acres in Wyoming and Colorado for use in car commercials Monday. "If we do not protect this land," Secretary of the Interior Gale Norton said, "we may one day have no place for Dodge Rams to run wild and free."

 


URGENT ASSISTANCE - FROM USA
IMMEDIATE ATTENTION NEEDED :
HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL
FROM: GEORGE WALKER BUSH
202.456.1414 / 202.456.1111
FAX: 202.456.2461

DEAR SIR / MADAM,

I AM GEORGE WALKER BUSH, SON OF THE FORMER PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA GEORGE HERBERT WALKER BUSH, AND CURRENTLY SERVING AS PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. THIS LETTER MIGHT SURPRISE YOU BECAUSE WE HAVE NOT MET NEITHER IN PERSON NOR BY CORRESPONDENCE. I CAME TO KNOW OF YOU IN MY SEARCH FOR A RELIABLE AND REPUTABLE PERSON TO HANDLE A VERY CONFIDENTIAL BUSINESS TRANSACTION, WHICH INVOLVES THE TRANSFER OF A HUGE SUM OF MONEY TO AN ACCOUNT REQUIRING MAXIMUM CONFIDENCE.

I AM WRITING YOU IN ABSOLUTE CONFIDENCE PRIMARILY TO SEEK YOUR ASSISTANCE IN ACQUIRING OIL FUNDS THAT ARE PRESENTLY TRAPPED IN THE REPUBLIC OF IRAQ. MY PARTNERS AND I SOLICIT YOUR ASSISTANCE IN COMPLETING A TRANSACTION BEGUN BY MY FATHER, WHO HAS LONG BEEN ACTIVELY ENGAGED IN THE EXTRACTION OF PETROLEUM IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, AND BRAVELY SERVED HIS COUNTRY AS DIRECTOR OF THE UNITED STATES CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE AGENCY.

IN THE DECADE OF THE NINETEEN-EIGHTIES, MY FATHER, THEN VICE-PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, SOUGHT TO WORK WITH THE GOOD OFFICES OF THE PRESIDENT OF THE REPUBLIC OF IRAQ TO REGAIN LOST OIL REVENUE SOURCES IN THE NEIGHBORING ISLAMIC REPUBLIC OF IRAN. THIS UNSUCCESSFUL VENTURE WAS SOON FOLLOWED BY A FALLING-OUT WITH HIS IRAQI PARTNER, WHO SOUGHT TO ACQUIRE ADDITIONAL OIL REVENUE SOURCES IN THE NEIGHBORING EMIRATE OF KUWAIT, A WHOLLY-OWNED U.S.-BRITISH SUBSIDIARY.

MY FATHER RE-SECURED THE PETROLEUM ASSETS OF KUWAIT IN 1991 AT A COST OF SIXTY-ONE BILLION U.S. DOLLARS ($61,000,000,000). OUT OF THAT COST, THIRTY-SIX BILLION DOLLARS ($36,000,000,000) WERE SUPPLIED BY HIS PARTNERS IN THE KINGDOM OF SAUDI ARABIA AND OTHER PERSIAN GULF MONARCHIES, AND SIXTEEN BILLION DOLLARS ($16,000,000,000) BY GERMAN AND JAPANESE PARTNERS. BUT MY FATHER'S FORMER IRAQI BUSINESS PARTNER REMAINED IN CONTROL OF THE REPUBLIC OF IRAQ AND ITS PETROLEUM RESERVES. MY FAMILY IS CALLING FOR YOUR URGENT ASSISTANCE IN FUNDING THE REMOVAL OF THE PRESIDENT OF THE REPUBLIC OF IRAQ AND ACQUIRING THE PETROLEUM ASSETS OF HIS COUNTRY, AS COMPENSATION FOR THE COSTS OF REMOVING HIM FROM POWER. UNFORTUNATELY, OUR PARTNERS FROM 1991 ARE NOT WILLING TO SHOULDER THE BURDEN OF THIS NEW VENTURE, WHICH IN ITS UPCOMING PHASE MAY COST THE SUM OF 100 BILLION TO 200 BILLION DOLLARS ($100,000,000,000 - $200,000,000,000), BOTH IN THE INITIAL ACQUISITION AND IN LONG-TERM MANAGEMENT.

WITHOUT THE FUNDS FROM OUR 1991 PARTNERS, WE WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO ACQUIRE THE OIL REVENUE TRAPPED WITHIN IRAQ. THAT IS WHY MY FAMILY AND OUR COLLEAGUES ARE URGENTLY SEEKING YOUR GRACIOUS ASSISTANCE. OUR DISTINGUISHED COLLEAGUES IN THIS BUSINESS TRANSACTION INCLUDE THE SITTING VICE-PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, RICHARD CHENEY, WHO IS AN ORIGINAL PARTNER IN THE IRAQ VENTURE AND FORMER HEAD OF THE HALLIBURTON OIL COMPANY, AND CONDOLEEZA RICE, WHOSE PROFESSIONAL DEDICATION TO THE VENTURE WAS DEMONSTRATED IN THE NAMING OF A CHEVRON OIL TANKER AFTER HER.

I WOULD BESEECH YOU TO TRANSFER A SUM EQUALING TEN TO TWENTY-FIVE PERCENT (10-25 %) OF YOUR YEARLY INCOME TO OUR ACCOUNT TO AID IN THIS IMPORTANT VENTURE. THE INTERNAL REVENUE SERVICE OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA WILL FUNCTION AS OUR TRUSTED INTERMEDIARY. I PROPOSE THAT YOU MAKE THIS TRANSFER BEFORE THE FIFTEENTH (15TH) OF THE MONTH OF APRIL. I KNOW THAT A TRANSACTION OF THIS MAGNITUDE WOULD MAKE ANYONE APPREHENSIVE AND WORRIED. BUT I AM ASSURING YOU THAT ALL WILL BE WELL AT THE END OF THE DAY. A BOLD STEP TAKEN SHALL NOT BE REGRETTED, I ASSURE YOU. PLEASE DO BE INFORMED THAT THIS BUSINESS TRANSACTION IS 100% LEGAL. IF YOU DO NOT WISH TO CO-OPERATE IN THIS TRANSACTION, PLEASE CONTACT OUR INTERMEDIARY REPRESENTATIVES TO FURTHER DISCUSS THE MATTER.

I PRAY THAT YOU UNDERSTAND OUR PLIGHT. MY FAMILY AND OUR COLLEAGUES WILL BE FOREVER GRATEFUL. PLEASE REPLY IN STRICT CONFIDENCE TO THE CONTACT NUMBERS BELOW.

SINCERELY WITH WARM REGARDS,

GEORGE WALKER BUSH
Switchboard: 202.456.1414
Comments: 202.456.1111
Fax: 202.456.2461
Email: president@whitehouse.gov

yes, Chevron REALLY has an oil tanker
named after Condoleeza Rice
(above photo: San Francisco, October 26, 2002)

 

 

North Dakota Found To Be Harboring Nuclear Missiles
VOLUME 39 ISSUE 04 5 FEBRUARY 2003
The Onion

BISMARCK, ND--The stage was set for another international showdown Monday, when chief U.N. weapons inspector Hans Blix confirmed that the remote, isolationist state of North Dakota is in possession of a large stockpile of nuclear missiles.
"Satellite photos confirm that the North Dakotans have been quietly harboring an extensive nuclear-weapons program," said Blix, presenting his findings in a speech to the U.N. Security Council. "Alarmingly, this barely developed hinterland possesses the world's most technologically advanced weapons of mass destruction, capable of reaching targets all over the world."
After initially offering no comment on the report, North Dakota officials admitted to having a stockpile of 1,710 warheads at two military sites and confirmed that the state has been home to an active nuclear-weapons-development program for decades.
Blix called the revelation a "terrifying prospect for the world at large."
Within hours of the announcement, U.N. Secretary-General Kofi Annan urged North Dakota to abandon its program.
"This is clearly an excessive number of weapons for a place like North Dakota to possess," Annan said. "In this post-Cold War environment, we should be moving away from nuclear proliferation among developing states."

Above: Kofi Annan addresses the U.N. Security Council regarding the North Dakota situation.

European leaders also spoke out in opposition to North Dakota's weapons program.
"North Dakota, still in its cultural infancy, cannot be trusted to responsibly handle weapons of mass destruction," French President Jacques Chirac said. "We are talking about a place that doesn't even have a Thai restaurant or movie theater that shows foreign films, but still they have the resources to build thousands of warheads. Do not believe their claims of being 'The Peace Garden State.'"
According to Chirac, North Dakota's development of nuclear arms "represents a grave threat to peaceful states the world over, none more so than its longtime neighbor and rival across the 45th Parallel, South Dakota."
"The South Dakotans, while a simple people themselves, are friendly, hospitable, and far more in touch with the outside world," Chirac said. "Many people, myself included, have passed through and seen the Badlands and Mount Rushmore. North Dakota, on the other hand, is a bleak, racially homogeneous state that few people ever enter or exit."
After a joint meeting of the French and German cabinets, German Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder said the two nations "agree that this situation must be rectified" and implored North Dakota to cease its uranium-enrichment program immediately.
"We have opened the door to talks," Schroeder said. "But, unfortunately, North Dakota seems unwilling to engage with the world community at this time."
According to Blix, North Dakota is home to 500 Minuteman III ICBMs and 50
Peacekeeper missiles, giving it one of the heaviest concentrations of the
weapons on earth. The biggest discovery made by U.N. inspectors, Blix
said, was a missile field at Minot Air Force Base, where they found an
"almost unbelievable" stockpile of warheads.
The rogue state was also found to possess enormous stockpiles of fissile
material.
"North Dakota could have as much as 75 metric tons of weapons-grade uranium and 8 metric tons of weapons-grade plutonium," Blix said. "Just 55 pounds of uranium are needed to construct a simple nuclear weapon. Do the math--the prospects are terrifying."
The man at the center of the controversy is North Dakota's leader, Gov. John Hoeven. Having risen to power in 2000 after amassing tremendous wealth in the private sector, Hoeven lives a life of comfort and excess inside the heavily patrolled North Dakota governor's mansion, a lavish dwelling paid for entirely by the state, while many of his people engage in subsistence farming.
Some suspect that Hoeven is using the nuclear program as a bargaining chip to gain badly needed economic benefits for his state. Hardly at the forefront of technology in other aspects, North Dakota has a largely rural population and a child-poverty rate of 14 percent--a fact critics have been quick to point out.
"North Dakotans live a horrible life of isolation and deprivation, struggling to grow crops in a hostile, sub-zero climate while their indifferent government routinely prioritizes bolstering the state's military might," BBC World correspondent Caroline Eagan said. "There are people starving there, and yet high-tech weapons laboratories and military bases abound. It's deplorable."
Added Eagan: "And, no big surprise, the U.S. played a major role in arming this place. I hear most of the missiles are American-made." Many U.S. citizens have expressed fear, some realizing for the first time that North Dakota has thousands of weapons capable of reaching any major American city within minutes.
"It is absolutely frightening that there are all these weapons of mass destruction practically in my backyard," said Karen Stiles of Moorhead, MN. "Do we really know enough about these people who have their finger on the button that could kill millions?"
Added Stiles: "How did our elected officials let this happen?"

 

 

Abbott and Costello in China
Playwright Jim Sherman wrote this today after Hu Jintao was named chief of the Communist Party in China.

HU'S ON FIRST
By James Sherman
(We take you now to the Oval Office.)
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

 

Bomb Iraq
by Barbara Geist Harms
Abracabarb@aol.com
Originally posted on newspoetry.com

Sung to the tune of "If You're Happy And You Know It Clap Your Hands"

If we cannot find Osama, bomb Iraq.
If the markets hurt your Mama, bomb Iraq.
If the terrorists are Saudi
And the bank takes back your Audi
And the TV shows are bawdy,
Bomb Iraq.

If the corporate scandals growin', bomb Iraq.
And your ties to them are showin', bomb Iraq.
If the smoking gun ain't smokin'
We don't care, and we're not jokin'.
That Saddam will soon be croakin',
Bomb Iraq.

Even if we have no allies, bomb Iraq.
From the sand dunes to the valleys, bomb Iraq.
So to hell with the inspections;
Let's look tough for the elections,
Close your mind and take directions,
Bomb Iraq.

While the globe is slowly warming, bomb Iraq.
Yay! the clouds of war are storming, bomb Iraq.
If the ozone hole is growing,
Some things we prefer not knowing.
(Though our ignorance is showing),
Bomb Iraq.

So here's one for dear old daddy, bomb Iraq,
From his favorite little laddy, bomb Iraq.
Saying no would look like treason.
It's the Hussein hunting season.
Even if we have no reason,
Bomb Iraq.

 


http://www.counterpunch.org/waters02112003.html
CounterPunch
February 11, 2003
"Armageddon Is Long Overdue"
Inside the Bush White House
by LEE WATERS
LEAKED WHITE HOUSE TRANSCRIPT, February, 2003
PRESIDENT BUSH: Let's get going, Gentlemen. I don't like what's going on.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Calm down, George. Things are under control.
PRESIDENT BUSH: Well, I don't think so. What's with that damn United Nations? China. France. Germany. Who the hell do they think they are?
KARL ROVE: Don't worry, sir. We've got answers for all of them.
PRESIDENT BUSH: Just nuke 'em, dammit. I want a war. God tells me we have to have a war. And they're standing in the way. The economy's tanking. Gas is going up. And Armageddon is long overdue.
KARL ROVE: Well, I'm not sure Colin's speech really did the trick. Polls here went up, of course. But he kind of laid an egg in the rest of the world.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: The homeland comes first, Karl. I love how not a single talk show or TV commentator raised the least question about anything Colin said. And, of course, the polls fell right in line, even Oprah's. I was mighty impressed.
KARL ROVE: We've got every one of those networks in our pocket now. And thanks to Colin's boy Michael promoting the free market over at the FCC, it's going to stay that way for a long long time. This nonsense about diversity in the media, it's over. Every media outlet in the US will soon be owned by one of our corporations, and we're getting the polls pretty well rigged now, too.
PRESIDENT BUSH: What about that Phil Donahue guy? How come his hair is white? I hear he's raising some questions.
KARL ROVE: Not for long, Mr. President. We've sabotaged his ratings. And he's wimped out anyway. Nobody can stay awake watching him. Why these liberals still believe in balance is beyond me. Now he's just another liberal snooze.
SECRETARY RIDGE: That's what I love about Rush. Nasty sells. Then he says he's just a showman. And now you got Spielberg and Tom Cruise lapping it up. Let's invite them to the White House.
PRESIDENT BUSH: OOOh. Maybe they'll make a picture about me. I love those Star Wars movies.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: It was a master stroke setting up Colin for the UN, Karl. Nothing like a darkie to confuse the liberals. I think we better have Harry Belafonte rubbed out, though. He's been pretty rough on Colin, and for some reason they keep giving him air time.
KARL ROVE: They all just want him to sing "Day-O" one more time. I suppose we could do a Wellstone on him. Tom, will you check his flight schedule?
SECRETARY RIDGE: Yes, sir. But I'm afraid he's not alone. These peace marches have been getting pretty big.
KARL ROVE: Well, you don't see anybody covering them, do you? I can tell you they had 500,000 in DC and 250 in San Francisco. But the newspapers said 50,000 or less and gave them no coverage. Not even the New York Times. NPR devoted more time to the Queen's pants.
ATTORNEY-GENERAL ASHCROFT: National Public Radio is a nest of terrorists.
KARL ROVE: You can use that as your operative phrase, John, and arrest them all whenever you want. But NPR is a bunch of gutless wimps. Britt Hume, Fox, Russert, those are the attack dogs we love.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: You even got Bob Woodward licking George's feet, Karl. Damn I gotta love you for that. What'd you do, give him some deep throat?
PRESIDENT BUSH, VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY, KARL ROVE: Loud, prolonged laughter.
KARL ROVE: And that was a nice job you did at the astronauts' funeral, George. Your graveside manner has really improved.
PRESIDENT BUSH: Well I've got you to thank for that, Karl. Showing me those tapes of President Reagan and the Challenger was a really good idea.
KARL ROVE: Yes, although that one didn't really work out as we had initially planned. The idea was to have the Challenger up in space while Ronnie gave the State of the Union. He was going to talk to them directly from the floor of the Congress. But the damn thing blew up.
SECRETARY RIDGE: Yes sir. The weather in Florida was too cold for the launch. The administration was warned there could be problems with the O-rings that could lead to an explosion. Then all those experts testified and it made the administration look really bad.
KARL ROVE: Who cares? The Challenger killings didn't hurt us at all. It might've been better if it hadn't exploded. And we probably shouldn't have pushed so hard to get it up that morning. But when you control the media, these things can be turned into a plus.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: I remember it very well. Ronnie looked very stately and concerned. Shed some tears with the families. Gave a speech. All the pundits soiled themselves about how presidential and compassionate he looked. If Carter or Clinton had blown up the damned thing we would have crucified them. But when you've got the press core in your pocket you can get away with anything.
KARL ROVE: Right, Dick. Same with the Columbia. We knew sooner or later one of those shuttles was gonna blow. That design is 30 years old and those crates are like rickety old school buses. The Boeing boys are holding them together with bailing twine. But who cares? One blows on our watch, George gets to furrow his brow and look heart stricken. But if it'd been Gore we'd've ripped his throat out.
SECRETARY RIDGE: But now the experts are all talking about how they warned this was going to happen and how they testified in Congress and wrote letters to the president.
PRESIDENT BUSH: I never saw any letters about the shuttle blowing up.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Not to worry. Nobody'll remember. And if they do, we'll blame it on Clinton.
KARL ROVE: I don't think we should blow up any more shuttles, though. It doesn't exactly enhance the image of our crack high-tech war machine.
ATTORNEY-GENERAL ASHCROFT: Criticizing the Administration's performance in space is an act of terrorism.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: They don't notice here, Karl. But overseas they're saying if we can't bring a shuttle home how can we precision-bomb Baghdad?
PRESIDENT BUSH: What the hell do the French or the Chinese have to say about what we do? We're going to invade and that's the end of it. Now what's the hold-up, Karl?
KARL ROVE: Well, sir, right now the only substantial ally we have is Great Britain, and Tony's approval ratings are in the toilet. If Blair goes all we've got is a few of the east Europe commie leftovers, and even they haven't come cheap.
PRESIDENT BUSH: Well none of them vote here, dammit. And none of them will be saved when the Heavenly Fire comes down and cleanses us all, starting in Babylon.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Lets remember to keep that to ourselves, George. We all share your deep faith and we're all certainly eager for the Final Battle to begin. But perhaps we shouldn't be too public about that aspect of our strategic thinking. Let our sky pilots handle that for us.
PRESIDENT BUSH: I jog. I lift weights. I wear blue jeans. I am God's messenger.
KARL ROVE: And that folksy Texas accent works too, Mr. President. But we need the public to believe they still live in a democracy, or we can't pull this off. They need to think we care about democracy in Iraq.
PRESIDENT BUSH: I'm all for a dictatorship, as long as I can be dictator. And that's the problem with Iraq. Saddam Hussein is dictator there, and I'm not. There's just too much damn freedom.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: I couldn't agree with you more, George. And we're nearly there. The voting machines are almost all computerized, and we've got the codes and the corporate control. No more exit polling, no ballots, no paper trail. We can win any election in any state at any time with five or six keystrokes. Look at Florida. Look at Georgia. It's over.
SECRETARY RIDGE: But don't you think there should be a little discretion, sir. I just don't believe it's wise for Senator Hagel to retain direct ownership in the voting machine company that arranged his re-election. Some of those numbers in the black and native American communities were way over the line.
KARL ROVE: But that's Nebraska, Tom. Nobody cares about Nebraska. And you don't see the story on the networks, do you? Our voting machine coup is just about as well known as our intercepts of the meetings between the Iraqis and the Al Queda when they stopped yapping and learned to really hate each other.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Too bad that got out at all, Karl. Saddam's people have always hated Osama's. But to Americans, they're all just towelheads. And when you've got the media, the judiciary, the Congress and the voting machines all lined up, you can start talking a thousand years.
ATTORNEY-GENERAL ASHCROFT: Wearing a towelhead is an act of terrorism.
KARL ROVE: I'm afraid we may need some real fireworks to get this war going. We can't pull this off without the Brits and they're about to kick Blair into the sea. We need to arrange a few terror bombs over there. Maybe the Parliament. Or a couple of schools. Blair needs some face time with some dead bodies. Just make sure they don't think it's the IRA again.
PRESIDENT BUSH: What's this got to do with my tax cuts?
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: I'm sure we can get Rummy to set that up. Can't trust the CIA these days, but I'm sure the NSA can blast a few of the right places.
KARL ROVE: I'm afraid we're going to need some of that here, too. A school, a bridge, maybe a nuclear plant. Definitely some kids. Run a hit or two simultaneous with some blasts in England so George and Tony can go tandem on the satellite. Give Fox the scoop, as usual. That should move the polls where we need them.
ATTORNEY-GENERAL ASHCROFT: Terrorism is the health of the state.
KARL ROVE: Meanwhile, John, you keep those idiot liberals busy. Jack up the death penalty. Keep busting the medical marijuana people. Throw the enviros in the clink. Lock up some liberal commentators. Dust off the concentration camps. Scare the pants off those do-gooder creeps.
ATTORNEY-GENERAL ASHCROFT: The Bill of Rights is an Act of Terrorism. Free speech is an act of terrorism. States rights is an act of terrorism. Smoking marijuana is an act of terrorism.
SECRETARY RIDGE: But sir, they're starting to compare us to the Nazis.
PRESIDENT BUSH: My grampa made great money bankrolling the Nazis. They had some good ideas and they paid their bills right on time.
KARL ROVE: We need the usual suspects to play the Church card now. Get Billy Graham back out there on the war path. Rev up Falwell and Robertson. Get Rush on the prayer circuit.
PRESIDENT BUSH: Revelations and Ezekial are the only UN resolutions we need. That's our oil and that's our Armageddon. I am the anointed, chosen to bring down God's holy judgment, starting in Babylon.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Right, George. Let the games begin.
Lee Waters writes for the Columbus Free Press .
Copyright 2003 by Lee Waters.